Is it common interests that bond us? If you like playing the guitar, will you be drawn to others who like to play the guitar? Maybe, but will it be a friendship of utility, pleasure, or virtue? Or, will it be a friendship that evolves from one type of friendship to another?
Over 2000 years ago, Aristotle penned an ethical masterpiece entitled, Nicomachean Ethics. In Book VIII, he explores the idea of friendship. He outlines three types of friendship:
- Friendship of utility, where there is mutual use for one another
- Friendship of pleasure, where doing things with one another brings joy to both
- Friendship of virtue, where the two friends wish good things to one another for each other’s own sake.
So, what does all this have to do with guitars? Well, you might be “guitar friends” with someone for utilitarian purposes. She teaches you to play the guitar and in exchange, you buy the beers. It could be that the friendship is one of pleasure because the two of you jam together and party at cool bar scenes every weekend. In both of these cases, there is a level of impermanence in these relationships. You may no longer need lessons and don’t want to shell out for the beers, or one of you has kids and can’t party every weekend.
In my case, the inspiration for the photo was an evolutionary friendship. It started as utility. He was a co-worker. I was coaching him at work. He found out that I liked to play the guitar as a hobby. He, on the other hand, was a very talented guitarist and even built guitars in his spare time. During our coaching calls, I would ask him for advice on playing while he would ask my advice about helping private equity firms underwrite to a growth thesis.
Over time, I learned about his family. We both have two young daughters and shared laughs about bringing up strong girls, or maybe we have young girls that are making men of us. We shared challenges of trying to do the right thing all the time. We exposed our vulnerability as fathers and husbands. In general, we gained a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for one another as people.
This admiration drove me to a different perspective on playing the guitar. I wanted to learn because it was one more thing that deepened our relationship. He preferred the electric guitar, while I was more comfortable with acoustic. Because of deepening admiration, I decided that I wanted to start playing the electric guitar. My family saw my deepening passion and bought me the red Gibson guitar, pictured in the photo, as a gift. The new style of playing gave me and my friend more to talk about, and we spent more time together.
At one point, my friend said that he wanted to build me a custom guitar (the blue one). He finished it, and before sending it to me, he said that it was the best sounding and most beautiful guitar he had ever built. Yet, he did not hesitate to part with it because it was for me, and for him it was comforting to know that the masterpiece he built with his own hands would be enjoyed and appreciated by someone who he truly liked and respected – someone who recognized the care and love he put into that guitar.
What was the original question? Oh yeah…is it common interests that draw us together as friends? In our case, it was initially something we had in common at a very surface level. Ultimately, my growing passion for the guitar was driven by the connection we had, versus being the one thing that bonded us together.
The answers to what draw us together as friends still holds some mystery, but what Aristotle wrote over 2000 years ago still holds a level of truth today.
The folks at the Research Center for the Science of Connection and Xyla are working on finding more answers to, “What makes friends friends?” If you would like help with this research, please visit and take the friendship assessment and invite your close friends as well.
— Mike, Xyla Founding Team