In just 40 years, the average number of friends that people say they can talk to about an important issue has dropped from three to just one. That’s an average, which means some people said zero.
How did this happen, despite having access to literally billions of people at our fingertips?
In his book The Fifth Discipline, Peter Senge introduces the concept of ‘dynamic complexity,’ described as “situations where cause and effect are subtle and where the effects over time of interventions are not obvious.”
The sinking of the Titanic is a well-known example of dynamic complexity. Unaware and nameless interventionists ignored iceberg warnings, made decisions to accelerate speed, stocked an insufficient number of lifeboats, and disregarded emergency calls for help. These were among the reasons 1,517 people lost their lives. No single decision along the way had the intention nor ability on its own to cause a fatal disaster; but when you string them together, the unthinkable happened.
Meaningful friendships have taken a similar course. The small changes in how we interact with each other have led to undesirable consequences. Innovative technology that has separated us did not begin with bad intent. Early pioneers of the internet just wanted to connect the world, not distract us with digital devices. Email and text messaging was invented to make us more productive, not to ignite an “always on” culture in which we are addicted to our phones. All of this comes at the sacrifice of those potential friendships that slide past us every day as our attention is buried in a screen.
You have to wonder how often we’ve missed connecting with someone who could have been a great friend just because we were occupied by a smartphone. We used to meet people while we waited for a barista to make our coffee; now we order it to be ready so we can walk in and walk out. The trend of working from home, accelerated by COVID-19, is likely keeping us from deepening relationships with co-workers that could blossom into friendships. We simply are no longer placed in the physical path of people who could be good friends the way they were in the past. That fact is probably not going to change.
Just as no single raindrop can be held responsible for the flood, no single change in society or technology can be held responsible for altering the way we connect at a human level…but here we are, floating around in hopes of a passing rescue boat. We are seeing the effects manifesting themselves in higher loneliness rates, higher suicide rates, and millennials that feels less fulfilled than any generation that came before it.
But fear not – a rescue boat is on the horizon. A group of folks at the Research Center for the Science of Connection (RCSC), in conjunction with Xyla, are looking at ways to put compatible people back in the path of one another. We can up the odds by connecting people through a deep understanding of what makes friends, friends.
Find out more about why friends are friends and take the friendship assessment.
— Mike, Xyla Founding Team
References:
- https://www.realclearpolicy.com/articles/2019/05/06/death_by_loneliness_111185.html?fbclid=IwAR3o62G7udNMEZMFJkK1-mJlbaAjhV0nOoRGpalC8OpLWvVea-Pzr4HUH2g#!
- https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2019/02/05/smartphone-ownership-is-growing-rapidly-around-the-world-but-not-always-equally/)
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fifth_Discipline
- https://www.britannica.com/topic/Titanic
- https://online.jefferson.edu/business/internet-history-timeline/
- https://techland.time.com/2011/11/15/the-man-who-invented-email/
- https://www.msn.com/en-gb/money/technology/why-pedestrians-glued-to-their-phones-cause-pavement-pile-ups/ar-BB1fgPkN
- https://www.forbes.com/sites/carolinecastrillon/2021/12/27/this-is-the-future-of-remote-work-in-2021/?sh=261faec61e1d